Caring communication is the choice of many parents. And if you're here, it's certainly yours! We know how important it is for the development of our children.

We also know that children need limits, a framework. Setting limits is essential for their emotional security. 

So how can you be both firm and benevolent? Is it possible to set a benevolent framework? That's what we're going to find out in this article. 

Why set limits for my child?

Limits are structuring for the child 

All children need a framework and limits if they are to grow up properly. First and foremost, this ensures their physical safety, as children under 3 are not aware of danger. But that's not all. Explanations:

Setting limits is essential for :

• reassure the childguide them along the path of possibilities.
• living well togetherwith respect for others.
• establish habits and rules that will set the pace of a child's life. A child who does as he pleases is neither happy nor autonomous. He'll lack reference points, and will look for them by provoking conflicts.

And yes, the setting is liberating for the child ! Maria Montessori already understood this, offering children freedom AND a structuring framework. Adults provide the best environment for developing autonomy and confidence, and limiting conflict.

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Implement Montessori education at home in 10 minutes a day

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Verbalize the child's feelings before setting a limit. 

It's important to recognize the child's desire, "I know you really like ice cream and you really want it, and so do I, but you know, it's almost noon and we're going to think about lunch first."

This may not prevent frustration, because before the age of 6, emotions are still difficult for children to manage. But you'll recognize the emotion, and your child will feel valued. Much more so than with a sentence like "You can't have ice cream because it's not the right time. Period". This is one of the foundations of non-violent communication.

Out of the balance of power

Explaining the rules of the game to your child will remove the feeling of having to foolishly obey. 

Authority doesn't have to mean imposition

Clearly explaining why this rule exists, and thinking with your child about how to apply it without too much constraint, will help him or her find meaning in it. In positive education, the answer "because that's the way it is" has no place, as it breaks the dialogue. 

Co-creating limits with your child

Establishing your tribe's rules of life together is a really good idea! It's a caring approach, and you can each take it in turns to explain what's important to you. Involving your children in the creation of the house rules will help them better understand the whys and wherefores. 

Encourage play, create a challenge

Young children sometimes find it hard to accept rules, because they feel frustrated and constrained. Introduce them in a playful, light-hearted way. This will be much more pleasant for him than imposing with authority. And the rule will be better respected than if the child takes a stand.

For example, if your child has trouble tidying his or her room, get out an hourglass - there are whole collections of them in different lengths! Children no longer experience time as a constraint, but as a challenge: to be faster than the hourglass!

Prefer "I" to "You

It's important for you to express your feelings and needs as a parent. Saying that a behavior doesn't suit you is a kind way of exposing your personal limits.

"I find it hard to accept so much noise in the house, it hurts my head."
This phrase will be much better received by your child than the much more accusatory "You make too much noise, it's unbearable".  

Setting up routines

Setting limits also means establishing routines. In this way, you create a secure framework in which everyone can find their bearings. 

For example, to avoid opposition to the evening toilet, there are routine charts on which the child has an overview of the tasks to be carried out. They can then move each label once the action has been completed. In this way, you can make them actors, and they'll enjoy the manipulations. 

This type of support helps develop autonomy and confidence, so precious in Montessori education.

Prevention is better than cure

Anticipation is your ally! Don't hesitate to remind your child of the rule before the outburst. It's a kind of gentle reminder to jog your child's memory. For example, before going out for a walk or visiting friends... It'll be more pleasant for everyone!

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If you'd like to go further, discover the Growing Up course, developed just for you!

Set limits, but above all, respect them.

The limits set for a child are reassuring and safe, if and only if they are constant. Children know exactly where they stand, and are not afraid of their parents' reactions. If these limits are clearly defined and explained, the child can evolve freely, respecting the limits of this framework. 

Towards gentler parenting

As you can see, presenting things in a respectful and caring way will bring greater serenity to the whole family. Good communication with your child will be invaluable throughout your life as a parent! 

But it's also a gift to your child Knowing your child's limits will help him or her develop autonomy and self-confidence, and turn him or her into a responsible adult!

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Further reading :

Positive discipline by Jane NELSEN

Words are windows by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Cool Parents Make Happy Kids by Charlotte Ducharme